Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Allowed and Proud!

"I'm really proud of myself," he said as he stood next to a large Lego truck on our coffee table. With his hand still in mine from leading me to his masterpiece, his eyes scanned the finished toy. He showed me the doors that opened and a rocket launcher on the hood.

"You should be proud, buddy! This Lego set is for ages 10 and up, and you did it all by yourself!"

"Yeah, it was hard sometimes and I didn't find some of the pieces right away, but I just kept trying. I'm very proud."

I scooped up my 6-year-old son in my arms and squeezed him tight. He smelled like ketchup and oranges and I breathed it all in; his scent, his warmth, this moment.

"I'm proud of you too, bud."

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I sat down this morning to start this post with zero idea of the subject matter. With a rather busy week since the last post, I thought for sure I'd get some kind of inspiration, but unless I write an entire post about the intricacies of self-taping auditions, there was little to go on. As I stared at my Blogger page, frustrated with the emptiness in my brain, I noticed how this would be my 25th post. I grinned at that realization and began to reflect on when I started writing this blog last October.

I had just turned 40 and felt a stagnation within myself that, frankly, pissed me off. One day I was in my Google account and noticed that, oh yeah, I had started a blog back in 2012. Impressionista was supposed to house my comedy in both written form and videos of impressions/funny anecdotes. After two posts, I pulled a Sheevani and abandoned the project. As I stared at the dated design and old headshot, my tendency to have very little follow-through with my goals stared back at me. I shook my head with disgust and my mind was swirling with so many thoughts... thoughts about my life, how I had spent my time and energy for the last few years, how I was currently feeling... thoughts that I had expressed in conversations, thoughts that people agreed with and sometimes were entertained by. Hmm, maybe there's something there.

Then I started writing The Reluctant Stay at Home Mom. Then I posted it. Then I got some supportive feedback. Then I thought about other things to write about... and so on and so on. The more I wrote, the more I wanted to write. It was as if I had broken a dam of creative energy in my brain and the ideas just flowed in. It was, and still is, invigorating.

Not including this post, I have published 85 pages and over 48,000 words on this blog where the views are close to 5,500. Sticking with this project is shifting so much in terms of my confidence and value. As I've written about in previous posts, my self-worth has been a constant area of struggle. But now, after dedicating a lot of time and effort to putting my thoughts out in the world, I feel... proud as hell.

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Back on October 23, 2018, my finger literally trembled as I clicked the 'Publish' button. I had no expectations or agenda... all I knew was there was an urgency inside to demolish my naysaying thoughts that have plagued my progress for most of my adult life. Only I was going to make that happen... I had the power... I was He-Man.

To everyone who has taken the time to read, comment, message and stop me in person to let me know how my posts have affected them, please know you have helped me find a purpose I so desperately needed 6 months ago.  This blog has been my own Lego masterpiece of sorts, and just as my son's pride glowed so brightly for his work that day, I know there is no shame in being proud of mine... I, too, may not find some the pieces right away, but I will most definitely keep trying.

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