Monday, April 19, 2021

Dear Fear...

Watching Fear the movie is my preferred way to experience fear.


Ugh, it's happening again. Fear and self-doubt are seeping into my brain and I'm having moments of giving in. 

That f*cking f-word is rearing its ugly head because I've decided to finally start a passion project that's been a couple of years in the making - a podcast. Yup. I figure I've already nestled myself in the blogosphere, so why not delve into another overly saturated creative universe? 

The podcast is dedicated to the genius of Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes in Seinfeld. It's as nichey as niche can get, but as a woman in comedy who has been greatly influenced by JLD, I have no problem with that. 

But oh god... what if I suck at it? What if I cannot figure out all the tech stuff?! Oh shit... people will comment and review and what if they say really mean things?!?!? 

Sigh... everyday as I'm setting up different aspects of the pod (inside term for us podcasters), these fearful questions spring up like those annoying tufts of hair that never stay behind your ears on ponytail days. And while I let the stomach ache set in for a few minutes, I try to remind myself that I am more than capable of figuring it all out and that the fear is part of the process.


I've recruited some contributors to the podcast and gave them a sneak peek to the intro episode I plan to release soon. Immediately after I sent the link, a fresh wave of fear wafted in. Sure, I thought the episode was pretty good, but maybe it's actually the absolute worst thing they will ever listen to? 

A few hours later I received a text from one of my friends/contributors that completely changed my mood. 

Little did Matt know how much I needed that encouragement at that very moment. 

Along with JLD (fan term for us Julia Louis-Dreyfus fans), another person on my list of inspirational women is Emm Gryner. A singer-songwriter from Canada, I met Emm ages ago when Paul was making an album with his then band. Her then husband was doing the artwork for Paul and through conversations he learned this man was married to one of Paul's favorite artists. 

"Holy shit, guess who he is married to?"

"His wife!" (insert me laughing like an idiot and Paul humoring me with a fake laugh)

"He's married to EMM GRYNER!"

Paul owned all of Emm's albums and I became a fan through him. Fast forward to today... Emm is one of my dear friends. In the process of becoming her friend, I also totally fangirled out and learned how BADASS she has been over the entirety of her career. Seeing her take charge of her own path has had a major influence on me over the last 15 or so years... more than she will ever know. I often look to her when I'm feeling insecure about my own talent or value. 

Emm has a fabulous series, Ciao Monday, that she releases on her social media every... well, Monday. It's to help her fans forget their Monday blues for a few minutes. And those short videos do the trick, believe me. In each episode, she answers a fan question and since I've been entrenched in spirals of podcast fear for the last couple of months, I asked how she conquers her own fear. Well, no surprise she totally crushed the answer in her video and it helped me immensely.

Click HERE to see Emm's Ciao Monday episode about conquering fear.

"When women step into their power, it involves getting brutally honest with ourselves... a lot of the healing comes from figuring out why." ~Emm Gryner

Brutal honesty? I'm fearful of putting myself in a position to be criticized. My succumbing to that fear for the better part of my life has left me with an ocean of regret. Giving in to my fear is not worth it. 

It is high time to stamp my footprints on the path that scares me because the safe path is well-trodden, pretty boring and gives me regret diarrhea. And nobody wants that. 


For those interested in my podcast, Hot & Heavy: The Elaine Benes Podcast, please follow HERE.

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