172 Stab Wounds

Don't mess with me

When the victim was found, it was one of the most gruesome scenes ever recorded. Not only were they naked and decapitated, but the autopsy reported exactly 172 stab wounds all over the body. The punctures ranged from hesitant to extremely deliberate, as if the killer became more intentional as the stabbing went on and on. 

"I had never seen such passion in a killing," said the lead detective, "It was certainly a murder fueled by pent up emotions... the person who did this had been waiting a long time and once she got started, she was determined to keep going until there was nothing left."

At press time, the killer is still at large and expected to kill again. 

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Over the course of 4 years, I produced 172 episodes of a podcast called, Hot & Heavy: The Elaine Benes Podcast. Now that I'm a few months removed from publishing my last episode, I've been able to reflect on what I did... and why it matters in the trajectory of my life.

People assume I am very confident. Once a co-worker shared that he would never have guessed I suffered from as much self-doubt as I did after he got to know me. "You just project confidence and come off a bit intimidating." I honestly couldn't believe what he was saying considering how different I felt inside. Maybe it's because I'm tall with good posture? I am terrified of getting a hunch back.

The reality is, for most of my life I've feared looking like an idiot. Deep down, I knew I wasn't stupid, but the idea of making mistakes, failing, or simply not knowing how to do something was terrifying. The imagined embarrassment crippled me. 

This is why I often shied away from hard things. Instead of the "can do" attitude that many successful people have, I celebrated the "oh hell no I can't do that" approach.

Creating the podcast was my way to push through the doubts. Instead of coming up with all the reasons I couldn't pull it off, I took baby steps and figured it all out. I also made commitment to myself that I would see it all the way through - since it was a rewatch podcast, there was a clear start and end point to the show, so I said to myself, "If you start this... bitch, you are going to finish it!" 

Some "oh hell no I can't do it" excuses that ran through my head were:

• I probably can't figure out the tech stuff to properly record a podcast!
• No one is going to want to listen to a niche podcast about ONE character in a show that hasn't been on TV for over 20 years!!
• What if I get a bunch of online hate for what I say??
• Oh great, yet another podcast in the world - who the fuck am I to think this voice deserves a spot in that space?

As I was recording my very first episode, I had to hit pause about 10 minutes in. Fuck, it was really hard. Having prepped my notes and an episode structure, I thought it would be a fun time chatting about my favorite sitcom and its best character. But I was rushing, stumbling over my words, running out of breath with a mouth that was bone dry. Later I would learn these were very common things that happen for first-time podcasters. But naturally I just thought it was my ineptitude rearing its ugly head.

I stood in my closet which served as my podcast studio and stared at the ceiling. Uh oh, it's happening. I cannot do this, I knew it. This is too damn hard. But instead of giving in, I took a deep breath and gave myself permission to feel the challenge of recording my first podcast episode. After all I had announced this podcast was coming, made social media pages that advertised the release date of episode one, so I couldn't back out. THAT would be embarrassing. Bitch, you're gonna finish it.

Episode one was published a few days later and it turned out fine. I knew I could improve and improve I did. Every week as I delved into my process for each episode I felt such a great sense of accomplishment. Once the volume of self-doubt was muted in my head, I dove in with the can-do attitude that alluded me for most of my life. Before I knew it, I was 50 episodes in and built a show from the ground up of which I was very proud and I had no doubt I could keep going until the end.  

On episode 172, I said the following in my final thoughts:

It's been exhilarating, challenging, rewarding and most of all - this podcast has been the evidence that I can overcome all the negative voices in my head - I can push away the urges to give up - from now on, because of Hot & Heavy: The Elaine Benes Podcast - I know I can fucking crush whatever I put my mind to. What I’m about to say is a cliche, but cliches exist for a reason - If I can do it, so can you - believe me, I am the GOAT when it comes to talking myself out of hard things because I don’t believe in myself. And just as I've discussed so often on this podcast, certain storylines can get old and exhausting and I’d seen the episode where Sheevani Desai gives up WAAYYYY too many times.

Now, was my podcast a success? In terms of listenership or revenue, no...  it was not a success. At the time of writing this, the total downloads are just shy of 5,800. Sure I hoped it would resonate with the Seinfeld nerds and/or Julia Louis-Dreyfus fans. Perhaps I imagined a cult following that could somehow land my little show on the radar of JLD and she'd agree to be interviewed by me in her palatial estate in Los Angeles and then we'd discover a bond so deep we'd have to work together and star in Desai and Dreyfus, a buddy comedy complete with heart and hi jinx!! Yeah, I had some big dreams, but that wasn't the goal. I didn't know this when I started, but it turns out the goal was to prove to myself I could do it. That I could finally seeing something through that was challenging and put my fear of failure to the test. So yes, my podcast was a success. 

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Maybe I've been listening to True Crime podcasts a bit too much, but when I thought about the triumph over my self-doubt - stabbing it 172 times with each podcast episode seemed like the best way to describe it. I'm a murderer now, folks. Not just that, I plan to be a serial killer.